Thursday, January 18, 2007

Brian Foster dreams

"How was your sleep?" I always ask Hulk in the morning as I'm getting ready for work. "Did you have any dreams?" He usually says no, or says he did but can't remember. But I always dream, and I almost always remember- I actually consider it a good night if I only remember one, or, lovely of lovelies, none - I don't think I get enough non-REM sleep sometimes. Lately my dreams have been full of anxiety tells - dreams of rings that aren't right or lost, dreams of trying to drive a big manual transmission truck backward through traffic, generally telling me that my life is starting to change in ways that I'm not sure I'm ready for. Of course I'm ready - to look for a new job, to think about "the future" - I need change and haven't had any in a long time. But it's still a little disconcerting, difficult to give up something cushy, and it's coming across while I sleep.

Last night, I don't remember having any anxiety dreams. I did have a Brian Foster dream, though. Have I mentioned Brian Foster before? He's a kid I grew up with, went to preschool and elementary school with, knew through high school, and he even went to UCB the year after I did. When we were kids, we were super close, but the last time I saw him was right before I graduated in 2000. About a month later, I started having dreams about him, and he's been a regular character in my dreams ever since.

Sometimes I go months without having a Brian Foster dream, and sometimes I have three a week. But I think I have to explain the Brian Foster dream thing a little bit more. It's obvious to me by now that I'm not actually dreaming ABOUT him. Hell, he hasn't been a big part of my life since 1988ish. But we did grow up together, spending nearly every day after school together (our parents, along with a 3rd family, had a sort of informal babysitting co-op), having sleepovers and playing with my little pony and GI Joe and the Millennium Falcon (plus all the Star Wars action figures). It's probably thanks to Brian Foster that I know how to relate to guys as well as I do, considering the crappy role model I had.

He did grow up to be a good-looking guy, super geeky about some particular hobbies. I don't know whatever happened to him - maybe he's still in the Bay Area, maybe he's moved, maybe he has a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a wife or a husband (no idea about his orientation). I really don't know. But I do know that he must represent something to my subconscious, because he plays a starring role in my nighttime escapades on a regular basis.

The thing about the Brian Foster dreams is that sometimes he is a little kid, and I am my current age. Sometimes *I* am a little kid, and he looks like he did back in April of 2000. Sometimes we're both little kids, or sometimes we're both our aged selves - I can't really predict it. But I always want to spend lots of time with him in the dream, to speak to him and hug him and find out what his life is like. Sometimes the dreams involve his little brother, or the house where I assume his parents still live. But I always feel that he is precious and interesting and like a missing piece that I am so glad to have found, happy to be interacting with him again. (If memory serves, I NEVER felt like this when we were kids. Mostly he was just the kid I played with after school who liked to put weird stuff in his mouth.) In the dreams, I never feel as though I have enough time to get everything I need from the interaction - I am always afraid to wake up and that he'll be gone forever. I want to fold him up and put him in my pocket, so I'll be able to take him out later and get my fill.

So, since most of you who read my blog know me, tell me. Why do I dream about Brian Foster so much? What is he representing, and why do I feel this way about the little boy or grown man in my dreams? And if, on some crazy chance, you ever see this blog entry, Brian Foster, you of the common enough name that googling it doesn't tell me who you are now or what you do? Hi! and, um, I'm really not obsessed with YOU, I swear. For some reason, you stand in for some part of myself that I can't figure out. But if you comment here, I'll email you, and you can tell me about who you really are and not who my brain tells me you are in my dreams.

4 comments:

-qir said...

Taking everything into consideration that I know about you, he might be a father/brother replacement. That is, you grew up with a near familial relationship. Your relationship was positive. You didn't have an actual brother. Your relationship with your dad.... well. Loving someone isn't the same as having a positive relationship with them. Maybe B stands in for the positive formative male-female relationship in your life.

Monkey McWearingChaps said...

Aren't dreams supposed to be the brain's way of re-organizing memories and images, then deleting some to make space in your head for new information?

Either images of Brian Foster are being specifically deleted, or the electricity in your noggin is using him as an indexing system related to deletion.

I think dream theory is crap, personally, and most modern neurological studies have proven it to be so.

Leah said...

So it's like dreams are a type of brain defragmentation? I like that.

Brian Foster said...

Y'know what's funny? I have a friend who knew me since before kindergarten, and we were best friends, and recently (like last week) stopped being friends because of other issues. what i want to know is, why do childhood friends matter so much? and yes, i realize that your brian foster matters only in the subconcious, but why?

anyway, it was fun reading your blog.