Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Progress

Last night I fell asleep around 3 AM, which was an hour earlier than I fell asleep the previous night. I'm not sure what's going on; Sunday night's sleep issues were solely due to heat (it was hot!) and the presence of a moth that Loki kept trying to catch by using me as a trampoline to get up to the window above my head. Every time I fell asleep, he'd be jumping on me or using me as a landing pad, and eventually it felt like torture. Finally, Dan got coherent enough to kill the damn moth so Loki lost interest, and I got to sleep an hour later.

But last night, it was not so hot. It was, in fact, quite a pleasant temperature. After my cracked-out day I took a 1.5 hour nap, which was lovely and refreshing and I'm sure contributed to last night's insomnia. I took two valerian root pills at 11:30 PM, which in every other circumstance have flat-out knocked me out, but last night they were no match for The Brain That Would Not Turn Off No Matter What. Until we started with this whole engagement and wedding deal, I'd never had insomnia (other than a bout during a course of prednisone for poison oak back in 1999). Since then, it's become this creepy, shadowy beast that lurks under my pillow and uses some sort of remote control to keep my brain on no matter how desperately I desire it otherwise, and I never know when it will strike. Ideas, concerns, logistics, what-ifs run through my head over and over, back and forth, thumping as if in a potato sack race from one hemisphere to the other. This happens during the day, too, but it's not so overwhelming when I'm interacting with people or watching Planet Earth on DVD or knitting a new baby blanket (this one in small triangles to be sewn together later, and I'm super excited because it's going to look so cool!). Sometimes I also have a song running through my head as background music to the potato sack race. During the day I can direct my thoughts in other directions, but at night, when it's time to sleep, that's when the crazy begins.

And really, I have no idea why this whole WEDDING thing is taking over my brain. We're still over 9 months away and already have a lot of stuff figured out. We registered a domain name last night and Dan's working on our website for wedding-related information, and today I shot some emails to some photographers and friends who have already gotten married in the area to ask their advice about caterers and stuff. We finally put everything down in a great big spreadsheet, budget and guest list and all kinds of lists with formulas, which made me happy because look! I figured out how to make that number do what I wanted it to do. We're collecting addresses and phone numbers and I feel like it's real progress toward a real event, not just these nebulous ideas that have been floating around the ether for the last several months. But with all this progress comes more what-ifs, more logistics, more questions and concerns and ideas, and for some reason my brain is fixating on these things when it should really be sleeping like a good brain. I can't even get into a book to take my mind off things, and that's really saying something, because I am an expert at the time-honored tradition of literary escapism. Like so many other tricks, it has failed me.

There are other things I could be writing about - my favorite show's on now (SYTYCD) and TWOP is recapping it and they've even got a devoted forum for it now so I can read other people fanwank in all sorts of ways. The yard is looking better every day; Dan is running and biking all the time and looking amazingly good; we went dancing last Friday and we're going again this Friday. Thursday we've got a date planned for the drive-in, which has been impossible until we got Moxie. All these things I'm excited about or looking forward to, but am I writing about them? No. I'm writing about Wedding Brain and how I feel like a pod person for thinking so much about this event that really, when you come down to it, is just a party for one day. I'm afraid that if I get too focused on or bogged down with Wedding Details, after the day is over there will be After Christmas Letdown x a googol. I'd rather avoid that, since what I'm really looking forward to is the Being Married part, rather than the Big Party. I just wish I could get that across to the monster under my pillow because brides need their beauty sleep, you know.

7 comments:

Yank In Texas said...

Hell, I am so sorry about the insomnia. I wish I could help you but I'm stuck at waking up between 4 and 5 every goddamn morning no matter when I go to bed. SO I feel for you. I really do. (The cats don't help) It really sucks and you have all my sympathy for this.

Monkey McWearingChaps said...

I'm even like that about regular old dinner parties. Maybe a lot of the fun will also be in planning? It's not like there's necessarily going to be a letdown afterwards because there was a big buildup.

For me it's not like a buildup towards Christmas or New Years-it's because I adore being a good host and I think a lot about how to make other people happy when I'm hosting them.

Just because you're having fun going over the details and planning over an important moment in your life, doesn't mean you're turning into a Bridezilla whose focus is THE WEDDING THE WEDDING THE WEDDING. You've come off really levelheaded about the whole thing.

I still hope you get to bed faster, though, because as an insomniac I know how much that sucks.

Sara said...

It's ok to have wedding stuff take over your brain for a while. I don't know if there's a way to avoid it, even if the focus isn't really the big party, but the marriage. Wedding planning was the first time I asked my doctor for a small prescription for Xanax - I was having stress headaches that led to painful jaw-clenching. Awful! When the whole thing is over you will be happy and relieved - happy that the party went off so well (it will) and relieved that you will NEVER HAVE TO PLAN ANOTHER EVENT THIS COMPLICATED AGAIN. The one thing I do miss is Martha Stewart Weddings magazine. Everything else I was so happy to let go of. I was way more excited about the honeymoon than the wedding, anyway.

MLE said...

Thanks everyone - I actually got 8 hours of real, wonderful sleep last night so I feel a million times better. Cari, I wish I could give some advice about how to stay asleep, but I really got nuthin'. Have you tried any of those sleep drugs that are for "staying asleep" rather than "falling asleep"?

Monkey, you're right. I AM having a lot of fun planning, because I've never gotten to do anything like this before, and it's OK to let myself have a good time. It doesn't HAVE to be stressful.

Sara, your wedding was awesome. And I can totally understand why you were so excited about your honeymoon, because you took a kickass trip.

Leah said...

We've been having house-related sleep troubles over here. Thank god it'll be over soon because the last two weeks have almost killed us. I can't imagine going through this for nine months!

I can't wait to see that baby blanket. Sounds awesome.

Cilicious said...

You'll probably find your own caterer, but just in case:
There was a really nice caterer up in Park Hill, like at 22nd and Kearney.
I could find the name if you're interested.
And Le Petite Gourmet(CherryCreek) is tasty and professional, probably costs more, but they were wonderful.
We used Three Tomatoes for our own wedding and were delighted, then used them for Ethan's bar mitzvah and were bitterly disappointed: among other problems, they ran out of salmon (and other stuff) right when my *mother-in-law* got to the head of the buffet line.

MLE said...

Thanks for the recommendations, Cil, but they won't do us any good since we're getting married in California! If we have an event catered in Denver, I'll keep them in mind.