Friday, May 09, 2008

An open letter from the embryo currently gestating in OfJimBob's uterus

Dear parents-to-be,

Hi! Thanks for, um, conceiving me. I guess. I've heard from the ovaries that it's not really all that difficult to get to become a baby in this body, because you guys are all about making more babies. Which is OK, but I've also heard that I'm going to be baby number 18. What!?!!

Because here's my issue - how do I know that when I come out of there, I'm going to get any kind of personal attention? From what I understand, I'm only going to get to breastfeed for a couple of months and then I'm going to be passed on to one of my older siblings as part of a "buddy" system so you can get knocked up again and I won't be the youngest. So which one of my sibs gets me? I hope it's Jinger, she's got my favorite name (so far). Of course, you don't know yet whether I'm a girl or a boy (and neither do I at this early stage, frankly) and there are all kinds of J names you haven't used yet. I'm rooting for Jermajesty.

I'm also not entirely sure what kind of life I'm going to have. It's already more than a little stretched out in here, so there's plenty of room for me to grow, but I'm a little concerned that when I've cooked about 8 months or so I'll just fall right out. I mean, you've had 17 of us already. I hope you get one of my older siblings to stand around with their hands underneath you while you're doing the dishes, just in case. Also, I've heard that once I'm old enough to eat solid food it's going to be tater tot casserole 86% of the time. That sounds kind of gross. Any way you (or whoever cooks, I assume it's not you since you gestate as a full-time job) can, like, start a garden or join a CSA or something so my siblings and I can get fresh produce? I've heard my brothers and sisters look a little peaked. I'm also concerned that if I'm a girl, I won't get much in the way of education (I've heard it's all homeschooling all the time around these parts, but how do you possibly have time to homeschool 17 kids AND parent them?), and I'll be expected to marry someone picked out for me and have a boatload of kids myself. But what if I want to move to New York City and become a star of stage and screen? What if I don't want to have any kids? What if I don't believe in God? What if I'm GAY!?! I've heard that there's not much room for deviation in the lifestyle you choose to raise us progeny.

Dad, I'm not entirely sure what you do. I've heard you dabbled in politics for a while, but it seems to me like mostly what you do is solicit handouts and talk about Jesus a lot. Oh, and try to get Mom pregnant. I'm not sure why you all think it's a good idea to keep having more of us. Mom's been pregnant for like 90% of her adult life. I've gotta wonder whether she has any identity other than as an incubator. Mom, do you ever have any time for yourself? Dad, how can you expect to pay for college for 18 kids? All in all, this just doesn't seem like a good idea, to keep having more of us. I'd appreciate it if I got to be the baby. Seems like a good round number, doesn't it? I thought so.


Your current embryo


Yank In Texas said...

Oh word. That was just beautiful.

Monkey McWearingChaps said...

Makes me think of a relevant line in that Flagpole Sitta song.

yournamehere said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: What's the point of having a fascist regime if we can't sew a few vaginas shut?

Cilicious said...

Well, yeah, some people have more sex than taste, but it's *supposedly* Michelle's body and she can do what she wants with it.
The most interesting thing about their quiverful of kids will indeed be to see how they all turn out.
That's a Discovery Channel special I'd watch.
Once grown up, will they reject this coercive lifestyle, or conform? There have to be a couple independent thinkers in that brood.

Anonymous said...

Jermajesty...mind if we steal that from you?