I swear revenge (Warning: Contains Profanity, Ball Licking)

On Clairol, for discontinuing the shampoo I have loved and been loyal to for the past 10 years. Clairol Herbal Essences Clarifying for Normal to Oily hair - with rosemary and jasmine flower and whatever else it had/has.

A few weeks ago, I was in Indianapolis and ran out of my travel bottle of shampoo, so I stopped by a CVS to pick up another bottle. But somehow, all the familiar Herbal Essences products had been replaced with these bizarre, opaque, brightly-colored bottles that looked just like all the other "hip, new" salon-style products. There were shampoos for color-treated, and volumizing, and structuring, and whatever the hell else their new products claim to do. But no clarifying, no for-oily-hair, no lovely clear green shampoo that I'd strayed from off and on over the years but always gone back to. They had something called "de-gunkify" - but it smelled like perfume and I don't have gunk in my hair because the only things I ever put in my hair are shampoo and (rarely) conditioner.

The thing about my shampoo is that it was really popular - popular enough over the years to inspire generic versions made by Target and Kroger and maybe even Safeway; I can't remember. I tried the generic versions, which worked in a pinch, but always went back to the name brand - I liked to get the enormous bottle that would last me months (I do have a lot of hair, after all, and go through a lot of shampoo). You'd think that they wouldn't just up and get rid of it, especially since it had inspired generic versions and all.

So, back to my story. I figured maybe it was just something going on in Indy, like a test market or something, and I'd just buy shampoo when I came back to Denver. But I came back to Denver and I tried Rite Aid, I tried Walgreens, I even tried Target and Safeway and I COULDN'T FIND MY SHAMPOO! They didn't even have the generic versions anymore. I went online to drugstore.com, no dice. It was as though my shampoo had disappeared off the face of the earth. I got some kind of crunchy granola shampoo at the hippie grocery store, and I hated it. I got some $1 Suave clarifying shampoo and I hated it. I finally found a shampoo that I'd tried once before and liked OK, but it only seems to be sold at Rite-Aid and not Target. And then I tried one more place, our King Soopers, and it wasn't there - but the Kroger generic version was. I snapped it up and my hair is finally being more normal.

I think I'm going to have to find my shampoo on Ebay or something and stock up, because this small generic bottle won't last forever. I'm also thinking of writing a strongly-worded letter to Clairol admonishing them for getting rid of a good-selling shampoo line with a lot of satisfied customers. To quote Jay from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back: All those motherfuckers are going to PAY. They are the ones who are the ball lickers!