A bolt from the blue (or the yellow) (or the green)

Oldest Friend hired a professional photographer to document her birthday ball last month, and she's spent this week posting the photos on her facebook account. I looked through them, happy to see so many of her having a good time, remembering what a good time I had, and honing a critical eye on the job the photographer did of capturing the evening. Luckily, I think he did a fantastic job, especially considering how dimly-lit everything was.

Unfortunately, I found virtually every photo I was in (and I was in a lot!) to be unflattering in the extreme. One of them actually made me wince when it popped up on my screen. I thought I'd looked good in the dress, in the heels, with my hair curled and my makeup done and my dead grandma gloves, but damn did I look terrible in that photo. It may very well be the most unattractive photo of me in existence.

I was chatting with Oldest Friend about it the other night, and chatting about my current gym habits and eating habits. I told her about the swearing off of chocolate at work, and about how much I'm working out these days (a lot, especially with the snowshoeing we've done on the weekends). I told her about how the only ways I seem to be able to lose weight are a) exercise compulsively and obsess about what I eat, which is what I did to lose weight for my high school reunion in 2006, and b) travel to another part of the world and spend a few weeks walking around (I lost probably 10 pounds in 3 weeks when we went to China, and even lost a few pounds when we were in Italy last January despite the weather).

Oldest Friend, being even more into fitness and health and exercise than I am, she of the Iron Man finish last August and multiple triathalons a year, she who posts daily about her 30 and 60 mile bike rides and her training runs as FB status updates, said to me that it's possible I'm working out too hard.

(cue sound of record scratching)

Whuh? was my initial response.

Yeah, she told me. Some bodies are more likely to lose weight when doing long periods of low-intensity exercise, rather than shorter periods of high intensity exercise. Do you have a heart monitor? she asked.

No.

Thinking about it though, it kind of makes sense. If I'm walking around for 5 or 7 hours a day, for a couple of weeks, I lose weight without even trying. I can eat whatever I feel like eating (and our eating habits in China weren't great; lots of processed white flour stuff, lots of oil, and lots of sugar and not enough fresh veggies; because of the risk of hepatitis, all veggies we ate the whole trip were cooked), and I still lose weight. I'm not thinking about it, not trying to do anything except enjoy myself, and I lose weight. Every time.

However.

I live in a world where I earn my keep by sitting on my butt for 8 hours a day in front of my computer. I don't have time to walk for five hours every day. And what kind of exercise do I do in my daily life? Without fail, it's usually high-intensity stuff because of the limited amount of time I have in a day to exercise. I walk to and from work, which is relatively low-intensity, but that's only 15 minutes in each direction. I take the stairs at work sometimes. At the gym, I don't feel like I'm doing much unless my heart rate is up - bike, treadmill, elliptical, strider, weights class, cardio/weights class, all of them get my heart rate up pretty high, according to the machine heart rate monitors. I live at a reasonably high altitude, and my heart rate is usually somewhere between 160 and 180 for the majority of the time I'm exercising. As soon as I'm finished, however, it goes back down to my resting rate in a very short period of time - which leads me to believe my cardiovascular fitness is excellent. (Also a good sign: I can do snowshoe hikes uphill for hours at very high altitudes.)(The corollary to this is that when we go down to sea level I have to work like crazy to get my heart rate above 140. It's seriously difficult.)

But honestly, I don't do a lot of low-intensity stuff. The pools around here are mostly outdoor (and therefore not open this time of year). I haven't done much bike riding, again because of the season/weather. I don't do a lot of weight lifting outside my classes because I feel like weights twice a week is enough since I'm not looking to bulk up any more. I haven't been doing yoga anymore because every time I do it my neck hurts for days afterward. So what can I do?

I'm going to try some new classes at the gym, probably add a few pilates classes since the pilates instructor I like came back. I'm going to try some spin classes, where I can control the amount of difficulty. I'm going to cultivate the habit of walking for an hour or so after work now that it's light so late into the evening. (YAY!) And this weekend, I'm going to buy a heart monitor, and I'm going to do what Oldest Friend suggested - spend a month doing only (or mostly, I'm not giving up my cardio weights class!) low-impact activity and see what that does to this body of mine.


This is what I looked like when I was 22. A friend of mine posted this photo for me today, and I'm glad he did, glad someone caught an image of what I looked like back then. I didn't appreciate the body or the health I had then, and I probably don't appreciate the body I have now as much as I should. But I'm glad that body was captured for posterity, and here it is for the world to see. I'll probably never look that good again, but that's OK, I'm not 22 anymore. (Also, I prefer being a c-cup to an a-cup). I do think I can look better than I did at the birthday ball, though.

Hey, so that's the color of the inside of my belly button!

As I sail through the last hours of my twenties (only 48 to go!), I find myself thinking about the past 10 years and how I've changed, physically, mentally, emotionally. I feel like I began my 20s in such a different space as compared to how I'm ending them that if I were to go back and tell my 19-almost-20 self, "Self, these are the things that you will do and see and experience in the next ten years," I wouldn't have believed myself. I've been all over the world. I've met the love of my life, and married him. I've seen an African-American man elected to the presidency. I've gone no farther with my education past a bachelor's degree. I've moved to Colorado. I've grown pretty happy with who I am and where I'd like to be. And I've changed shape so drastically (up 2 cup sizes since I was 19, for example) that I have about 3 articles of clothing from my teens that still fit (and I don't wear them, because they're too damn short - styles have changed, my friends, oh yes).

Every so often I like to take stock of myself. I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself, see what I look like, but also see how I view myself, for these things are very different. I'm much happier with my skin, and happier with my boobs, and happier with my physical capabilities (I can climb 14ers and snowshoe for hours and I ran in a marathon and I can lift a lot of weight). But I'm really quite unhappy with my appearance, and this was brought strongly to my attention this past weekend when I wore a dress I'd made a year before to fit me and it was uncomfortably tight. And then I saw the photos other people took of me and how much THICKER I am through hip and thigh (and belly, let's be honest). Though I haven't written about it in a long time, I've been faithfully spending 5-7 hours a week in the gym (this means most Mondays and Wednesdays I go twice) plus at least a couple of hours of some physical activity on the weekends. My meals are, for the most part, healthy and of proper proportions for my nutritional needs. So what gives? Why am I gaining weight (and it's not just muscle), when everything I'm doing says I should be losing?

It was time to take a much closer look at my habits. I am a creature of habit, as are many people, and I have addictive tendencies that I am aware of and do my best to curtail. When I get to work in the morning, the first thing I do is fill up my liter-sized plastic Black Eyed Pea cup with water. At 10:30, I pay a visit to a coworker who keeps a candy jar at her desk and grab a couple of pieces of dark chocolate (especially if I'm particularly tired that day, since caffeinated beverages seem to affect me so strongly). At 11 or 11:30, I have a piece of string cheese or fruit. Between 12:30 and 1:30 I go to the gym. When I get back, I refill my water and eat my lunch. At 3 or 3:30, I have more chocolate. When I get home (some days after my second gym session) I have a protein snack, a couple of pieces of turkey lunchmeat and 5 walnut halves. And then I eat dinner. After dinner, there might be a tasty beverage or hot chocolate or something dessert-ish, though not every day.

At my office, we don't have trash cans at our desks. Our building is very green-aware and we are encouraged to recycle almost everything - so food trash has to be deposited in special trash cans in our kitchen area. I keep my candy wrappers in a little container at my desk and when it's full, I empty it into the kitchen recepticle. I hadn't emptied it in a while and when I did so on Monday, I looked at all those wrappers - all that chocolate I'd consumed, that I didn't need. No wonder I was gaining weight. Even with all the exercise, there's no excuse for eating as much chocolate as I have been for the last six months. So I stopped.

This week, I ate no chocolate at work. And you know what? Once I told myself that it was a habit that needed breaking, I broke it. No problem. I haven't changed anything else - still keeping to the same workout schedule, same food intake, etc. I wonder how long before I notice a difference. I'd like to be a hott 30-something, not just a hott 20-something, and want to make sure I'm in really good shape before Project Give Dan's Grandma a GreatGrandchild begins.

Not too shabby for nearly 30

Here’s a meme that’s been going around; I got it from Cil. It’s called the bucket list. You have to review all 100 items and put in bold the ones you’ve already achieved in life. (I am also italicizing the ones I want to do.) So, here — with my annotations — is my bucket list:

I HAVE…

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (does it count if I was in the school band in middle school?)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower many times
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world Been to Land multiple times, not World, no interest in going again.
8. Climbed a mountain several times!
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris would love to go again!
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch - Someone taught me at least the basics of all the artsy things I do.
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - not sure if I would want to do this.
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill — duh.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon I ran IN one but wasn't able to finish. I'm counting it anyway.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - sunsets all the time, sunrises rarely.
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors Most of my ancestors have been in the US a long time but I'd like to go to the part of Ireland where my great grandmother was from.
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language - Never taught myself, but maybe someday.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - but I did pay off all my credit card debt!
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - tried to see it from the train, no dice.
39. Gone rock climbing - only once, but I was pretty good at it.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David twice!
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt - Someday we'll get to Yellowstone.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - have given away a lot of food to street people in Berkeley, never actually bought someone a restaurant meal.
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight it was cold and windy.
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris I climbed up all the free parts and didn't pay for the elevator to the very top but I'm counting it anyway
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater - alas, the last nearby drivein closed down last year. The nearest one to us now is more than an hour's drive away.
55. Been in a movie -This one time I was accidentally in one take of one scene of the movie Phenomenon.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China and walked 10 kilometers!
57. Started a business - Got ideas for this one!
58. Taken a martial arts class - Tae Kwon Do in college, it was fun.
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - My sisters were Girl Scouts but not me
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason - Yesterday!
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp - Never go to Auchwitz alone after you've spent 3 weeks traveling with a friend.
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt — I think so? I know I helped with some of my mom's quilts.
73. Stood in Times Square —in January!
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper - I won the Geography Bee in 7th grade!
85. Read the entire Bible - I've read parts but not the entire thing
86. Visited the White House - I stood outside but haven't gone in.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous — I met Shiloh Strong one time (most notable for being the older brother of an actor on Boy Meets World). Does he count?
92. Joined a book club My cousin runs a book club/cooking club called Iron Rainbow, and if I ever live in the Bay Area again I will join hers!
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person - Shockingly, there was not a basement.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

All about us

Here's a meme that went around Facebook,and then the bloggers started getting into it as well. I don't write a ton about our relationship on here, so thought this might be kind of interesting.

What are your middle names?

His is Gordon, mine is Rose. Which is why our wedding website was gordonrose.us (we don't have the url anymore)

How long have you been together?

Officially together since July of 2001, married nearly 11 months. So, like, almost 8 years.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?

I noticed him posting on our mutual interest message board in the fall of 2000, maybe October. We started chatting/emailing in April of 2001 and started talking on the phone in May. Our first in-person meeting was in June of 2001. The whole we-met-through-the-internet thing makes the "know each other" question a little tough to answer.

Who asked whom out?
I gave him my phone number first. Our first kiss was mutual. I don't think there was really any sort of "asking out" bit.

How old are each of you?
I am 29 for 2.5 more weeks. He is 31.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Overall, probably mine (they live in California) because his brother lived in Guatemala for 2 years and now lives in Latvia. Even still, we see his brother more frequently than you might expect.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?

This is a tough question, because it has changed a lot over time. At first it was the long-distance thing. At one point it was dealing with unemployment/money issues. Sometimes it is scheduling. Right now, thing are pretty good, though we are both more than ready for him to finish school and to move on to a new chapter in our lives.

Did you go to the same school?

Nope, I'm a Cal Bear and he's a UNC Bear/Metro State Road Runner.

Are you from the same home town?

Cloverdale, CA vs. Greeley, CO. Not even close.

Who is smarter?

I think we're both pretty smart, in both similar and different ways. Each of us has a head for useless trivia (he wins at trivial pursuit but that's because I don't know sports stuff); we're both pretty articulate and good with words. Our IQs are I think within just a few points of each other. I think I probably have better test-taking skills and am better with spatial visualization-type stuff (like making up a fabric pattern to fit something/construct a garment or knowing what configuration of furniture would work well in a given space) but he's not shabby at that sort of thing. He is more well-informed on a variety of subjects and far better at anything artistic.

Who is the most sensitive?

For most things, probably me. I'm more likely to wear my emotions on my sleeve (though I've gotten better about that) and he's more likely to have something hurt him but he'll cover it up for a while. We both get very romantic and squishy with each other and are well-matched when it comes to touchy-feely stuff.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?


We eat out so rarely that I don't even know. Years ago we had a regular breakfast place where we went every other weekend or so but that closed down. Now when we do go out it will depend far more on what we feel like eating - we have a favorite place for a variety of cuisines (pizza, thai, mexican, indian, etc.)

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?

China! Followed by Italy.

Who has the craziest exes?

I have more exes than he does but I don't really think any of them were crazy. The chef came closest to being a "crazy ex" but I wasn't emotionally invested enough to even call that a relationship.

Who has the worst temper?

I think our tempers are pretty evenly matched, it just depends on the situation. I know he moderates his temper a lot more he might if he were with someone who didn't have some of the past experiences I've had.

Who does the cooking?

For most of our time living together, Dan had cooked nearly every night (or we cook together). Last semester I cooked 4 nights a week because he didn't get home until 10 PM. Now I'm cooking twice a week (or once, depending on if he has a good dinner idea and I don't) and enjoying it because we eat together.

Who is the neat-freak?

HAHA. HA. Um, neither of us? Though I see mess more than he does, so I'm usually the instigator of The Cleaning Frenzy. One thing I wanted to accomplish this year was to live in a sty somewhat less of the time, and so far it seems to be working pretty well.

Who is more stubborn?

We are both quite stubborn but I probably get my way more than he does. Most of the time I'm happy to give in on something I don't care that much about, but if I really feel strongly about it, I'll probably get my way.

Who hogs the bed?


Me. And Loki. Poor Dan often gets trapped under both of us. I try to be more cognizant about staying on my side, but I'm not always successful.

Who wakes up earlier?

When we were first together, I was far more of a morning person and he was a night owl. The longer we've been together, the closer our sleep schedules seem to be matching. In the winter, I have a hard time waking up before it's light out, so we both sleep late unless we absolutely have to get up. In the summer, I wake up first (usually). Unless we stayed up really late the night before, we're both likely awake between 8:30 and 9:30 AM on a weekend morning. Weekdays completely depend on Dan's school schedule. This semester he has an early class twice a week so we're both out of the house around 8 AM. On days when he doesn't have to get up, I'm a bit lazier as well.

Where was your first date?


I guess our first date was the first time we met in person? I met him at the airport with flowers, and we came back to my place in Berkeley. We walked all over town and I showed him the campus.

Who is more jealous?

I think we're both so ridiculously secure in our relationship that there is no jealously at all. Sometimes he jokes about it. Neither of us is really the jealous type I guess.

How long did it take to get serious?


I think we both knew it was serious by the second in-person meeting (July of 2001) but we took things slowly because a) it was long distance, and b) we were both pretty young. Hence the whole not getting married until we'd been together nearly 7 years thing.

Who eats more?


If we go out to eat he will eat way more than I do. If we eat at home we eat about the same amount, or he might eat a little bit more. We're both mindful about eating for the most part so we don't eat a ton.

Who does the laundry?

I think this chore is pretty equal. Usually we take turns on a weekend running the machines and we share folding and putting away. It is my least favorite chore, so sometimes he will hang up my stuff for me.

Who’s better with the computer?


He is with a Mac and we're probably equally proficient on PCs. I guess it depends on the program.

Who drives when you are together?

I am thoroughly ashamed to admit that I still can't drive my car (a stick) and I've owned it nearly 2 years. It's time to bite the bullet and learn. So when we are at home, he drives. When we're traveling (rental car) he's more likely to drive if it's dark but otherwise I think we split driving time pretty well.

In which Jive Turkey asks me questions, and I answer them

So over at Jive Turkey, she had to answer some questions another blogger asked her. And I volunteered to be interviewed, because a) I like doing that sort of thing, and b) I don't have any photos from the weekend or of the baby blanket I finally finished or of Dan's sweater that he wore 3 days in a row because either he really loves it that much or to make me feel better about all the time I spent knitting it.

Or something.

Anyhow, Ms. Turkey was kind enough to email me with five questions. If anyone would like me to interview them, please let me know in the comments.

1) What is your dream career?

Wow, you really don't pussyfoot around, do you? I go back and forth on this one, especially because I think there is more than one career I'd ultimately be happy doing. But here are some of the things I'd like to do if money were no object and I could easily complete the education needed to work in these fields:

Genetic Counseling
Physical Therapy
Corporate Training
Someone who takes difficult information and transforms it into an easy-to-understand format and then teaches the information to other (adult) people using that format

In a nutshell, it's really difficult for me to answer this question. I like working with people (but not "the public", like a customer service-type job). I like science. I like teaching in a non-academic setting. I like how bodies work.


2) What movie/scene from a movie has left you a complete, sobbing,
emotional mess?

There are some movies that you watch because you want that emotional catharsis, and some movies you watch knowing you'll only see it once because it's too damn hard to deal with otherwise. I always cry at the ending of Beaches, I sometimes cry at the end of Big Fish, I'm sure there are other ones if I sat and thought about it for a while. Movies I have seen only once (and they made me cry plenty): Schindler's List, Requiem for a Dream, Million Dollar Baby. Movies I haven't seen at all because I know they would be too much: Boys Don't Cry, American History X.

3) What kind of behavior/attribute is an absolute deal-breaker when it
comes to a romantic partner?

Smoking. Hard drugs. Bigotry. Condescension. Arrogance. Stupidity/lack of intelligence. Someone who makes me feel like less of a person or less valuable than I really am.

4) You're on death row. What is your final meal?

Wow, the last meal I'll ever eat. And I get anything I want? No matter how well it doesn't go together?

Crab cakes, salad with freshly picked greens and veggies, grilled portabella mushrooms, fancy cheeses, at least 3 different wines, and cheesecake with dark chocolate and raspberries.

5) If you could go back in time and erase one thing you did or said,
what would it be? Assume that erasing it wouldn't substantially alter
the course of your life.

Of course there are things that I wish I'd done or said differently, but mostly I try to go through life without regrets. And I try to make decisions that I think will lead to positive outcomes rather than negative ones (maybe it's just my lifelong proclivity for being a Good Girl). I think if I could go back and do it over again, I would NOT have spoken with The Chef (I met him while waiting for a BART train back in the fall of 2000). This led to dating him, which led to me breaking his heart, because a) I wasn't over my college boyfriend yet, b) I wasn't that into The Chef, because c) he wasn't very smart. And he was a lot older than I was (which, at the time, was kind of a big deal - he was 27 and I was 21). Also, I found out later he was both a liar and a drug user. And possibly an alcoholic. But I learned stuff from the time I spent around him, namely a) how to make my own salad dressing from scratch, b) how to do pan-flipping when sauteeing something, and c) how to play competitive scrabble. I also learned that I wasn't over my college boyfriend, that I really needed to be involved with someone long-term whose intelligence I could respect, and that if I'm not that into someone I shouldn't let it get past a date or two. Ultimately, I probably would have learned those lessons in other ways, so to go back and undo the whole Chef incident probably wouldn't have altered the course of my life.

Here are the meme details:
If you'd like to play along, just follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me." (And realize I might take
a while to get back to you.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the
questions. (Eventually!)
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure
you link back to the original post.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone
else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five
questions.

I can ride my bike with no handlebars

2008 was a big year for me and my various family members and loved ones, in a lot of ways. Last year I was traveling and didn't get a chance to do this meme, but I did it two years ago, and I'm doing it again now, courtesy Linda of All and Sundry and Jive Turkey.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I got married! So, you know, that was pretty good.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Didn't make any. I knew 2008 was going to be crazy going into it, and I was right. I will make some for this year, but I think they'll just be between me and me. (robble me.)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Wombat Agirlandaboy was born on December 14, 2008 to our great friends Leah and Simon. His was the most-anticipated birth in my world since my sister was born in 1986.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No dead people (or pets, even) this year.

5. What countries/places did you visit?
January = Rome and Florence, Italy, plus spent a day back in California before heading home
March = drove to the Bay Area for the wedding, passing through Wyoming, Utah, and Nevada.
April = Drove home from the wedding through Southern CA, Nevada, and Utah.
May = Quick trip to the Bay Area to surprise Leah for her birthday.
June = Flew to So. Cal for my sister's college graduation
July = I went to Nor. Cal at the end of the month to help my sister get ready for their wedding on August 2
August = Started the month in CA, flew home.
September = Philadelpha, PA for work
October = Traveled all over CO for work.
November = CA for Thanksgiving

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A new job. To be debt free (nearly there!) Maybe a fetus.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 29, 2008 was the day we got married. August 2, 2008 was the day my sister got married. December 14, 2008 was the day Wombat was born.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through 2 family weddings, a college graduation, 6 weeks of work travel and 2 major family holiday celebrations withot going nuts. I think planning our wedding from 3 states away and having everything happen smoothly was pretty good, but most of that was done in 2007, just culminating in 2008.


9. What was your biggest failure?
To find a fulfilling and challenging new job. Losing my camera in Italy.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I started the year off right, with a nasty cold in Italy that culminated in a sinus infection and 2 ear infections. Simultaneously! And, of course, the Leg Incident. I still have a divot in my calf. And last but not least, the weird hives/bumps on my face that lasted from February until June really could have gone away much earlier. There was no need for that, and I never did figure out what caused it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The services of our wedding photographer, which I still maintain was the deal of the century. I didn't buy a whole lot of stuff this year, other than stuff related to the wedding (either before or after).

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Barack Obama, throughout the entire election process.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Whoever was behind the horrible campaign ads (both for people and propositions) here in Colorado. Ugh. Also, the people who were originally going to stand up with Dan in the wedding. I won't even go into that.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Wedding, travel, paying off debt.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Um. Our wedding? My sister's graduation? My other sister's wedding? Wombat's arrival?

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Love Today, by Mika (our wedding)
Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis and Take back the City by Snow Patrol (summer and fall)
Handlebars, by Flobots (fall/winter)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier now that the holidays are over and I'm feeling excited about what 2009 will bring.
b) thinner or fatter? Ugh, probably fatter, but I've got a lot more muscle and I'm not paranoid about fitting into a wedding dress.
c) richer or poorer? Definitely richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Job hunting. Reading new books. Listening to new music. Bike riding. Swimming.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I - don't think there was anything I did too much of. I wish my leg injury hadn't been so debilitating, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With Dan's family

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I fell more in love with Dan. 9 months of marriage and we haven't killed each other yet, woohoo!

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Gossip girl. Battlestar Galactica. We just started Mad Men on DVD; I have a feeling I'm going to love it, too.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate? no. There were some people whose behavior earned them demerits in my book.

24. What was the best book you read?
I think the book I enjoyed most was The Year of Living Biblically

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Flobots!

26. What did you want and get?
The wedding was exactly what I was hoping for. Plus, so many people helped us out and did way more for us than we deserved. Also, two new cameras (point-and-shoot that's mine; fancy Nikon d40 that Dan and I share).

27. What did you want and not get?
Photos from Italy.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I liked most of the movies we saw (a paltry few, alas) but I probably enjoyed Wall-E the most.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My 29th birthday was a spectacular non-event, being 2 weeks before the wedding. I took the day off, took myself to breakfast, and went to the gym. And did wedding stuff.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I would have to say that NOT tearing my calf muscle certainly would have improved my May, June, and July.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
How to Cope When You Gain a Cup Size in the Boobage Area and All Your Work-Appropriate Blouses Stop Fitting. And Your Bras. Hello, Cleavage!

32. What kept you sane?
Dan is the king of keeping me sane. Also, liquor.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I was pretty enamored of Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
GLBT rights.

35. Who did you miss?
Friends who couldn't be at the wedding (but will see them next week!). Friends we wanted to see more.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I got to meet two longtime blog crushes in 2008, Holly Burns of Nothing but Bonfires and Adina of Crazy Asian. Plus I made new friends on the internets, like Jive Turkey who rocks my socks.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
You never know what sorts of behavior (good or bad) people will surprise you with when weddings are involved.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

See title of post.

I am someone who

...very rarely looks good in photographs, and thanks the Flying Spaghetti Monster that the guy who photographed her wedding managed to make her look at least OK.

...is afraid of change sometimes.

...if asked to choose a beverage, will nearly always choose water.

...mourns each season in its passing.

...eats when she is bored sometimes.

...misses friends even when they are no longer friends anymore.

...feels a little nostalgia isn't necessarily a bad thing.

...wants to have adventures.

...loves meeting new people.

...thinks the sensation of chewing on tin foil is about the worst thing ever.

...hopes with quiet desperation for one presidential candidate to be elected rather than the other, if for nothing else then for the decisions and laws that could affect her future children.

...wonders how women pre-Jane Fonda and Title 9 stayed so thin.

...secretly wants to grab people's asses, like, all the time.

...re-reads books over and over because she considers them to be old friends.

...has always been afraid of getting older.

...is getting a little stuck for ideas on how to use the bumper crops of Italian and Thai basil in the garden.

...needs at least one great big hug every day.

Brooding

Things on my mind these days, in no particular order:

* The Olympics, and why I have been watching them so much. I haven't watched anywhere near this much Olympic coverage since 1992 when I babysat all summer and they had 3 channels of events going on. Maybe it's because we have such a pretty TV for the first time ever.

* Dan started school last week, and his INSANE schedule (six classes and part time job!) means he doesn't get home until 10 PM every night but Friday. My evenings are mine to do with what I wish for the first time in a long time. Mostly I've wished to read books I've already read because I don't want to buy more. And I'm cooking dinner every weeknight for the first time since he moved in 5 years ago.

* I really, really, really don't want to be in this job anymore, especially since it's nearly fall and I don't want to do my insane fall schedule again. I'll be spending a good chunk of next week (when most of my coworkers are taking the smart route and avoiding work) to help make that a possibility. If I find something new by then end of September I'll get to go to Philadelphia but won't have to do the rest of the stuff.

* My knowledge of East Coast geography sucks. Jive Turkey has informed me that Philly (where I'll potentially be) and Pittsburg (where she will definitely be) are 5 hours of driving apart. Sheesh.

* Speaking of JT, she's got some Big News. Go say congratulations!

* So yeah, next week is the Democratic National Convention here in Denver and it's going to be totally insane. The place where I work is literally across the street from the State Capitol building and we're on virtual lockdown all week. They've had us do umpteen drills in the last couple of weeks and a good chunk of the major highway that goes north-south in Colorado will be shut down on Thursday because it is close to where Obama will be speaking. I am SO GLAD I don't have to drive in this area. Dan is off school all week (his campus is right next to the DNC so they elected to not try to hold classes that week) so he is volunteering for the DNC. And I will be volunteering for the Obama campaign this weekend, just helping people get registered to vote if they need to register.

* I think I might be allergic to my own leg hair.

* Two workouts a day 3 days a week and one workout a day 2 days a week have resulted in me being fricking exhausted all the time and not losing any weight. In fact, I think I'm gaining because my muscle (especially in my harms, abs, and back) is bulking up. And for all you out there saying "vary your workouts!" rest assured that during the course of my week I take 2 difficult yoga classes, one power pump (weights) class, one cardio/weights class, I hamster on the elliptical/ride the stationary bike at least twice, sometimes swim, and do a full weight circuit on the weight machines. It's varied. Also, I still can't run. Stupid leg.

* My sister and her husband got to hold poison dart frogs and see sloths on their honeymoon. I am green with envy.

* I need to sleep more. Stupid Olympics.

* Confession: I really, really enjoyed doing the flowers for Lissa's wedding. And our wedding. And if I'd had more notice, probably for our ex-friends' wedding last fall as well. I find myself thinking up interesting flower/greenery combinations, with unusual elements sometimes. I exclaim over unusual flowers at the grocery store even though we never buy flowers. I daydream about doing wedding flowers again. I think I'm a freak.

Herd the Gorilla Bear

I am very excited, because we have a visitor! My cousin Scarlett is visiting from the Bay Area for the next few days. Other than for a day back in February when my mom flew in for my shower (and so did Oldest Friend), we haven't had any visitors in a really long time, so when Scarlett said she wanted to come hang with us for a while I said GREAT!

Scarlett is the big sister I never had, someone who I consider a blood relation even though we share no drops of blood between us. Her mother was my mother's best friend in college, who ended up in a relationship with my mom's half brother (they didn't actually marry until they'd been together for like 15 years!) Scarlett was the flower girl for my parents' wedding and she remembers the day I was born. Though I am the oldest of three sisters, in many ways I have always felt like Scarlett was my big sister who only came for visits sometimes. When we were kids, she would sometimes stay at our house for a few days during winter break, usually before Christmas. Because of that, we developed quite a few family holiday traditions - we would make up plays (one called The Death of Abigail Root, which took place in Salem, Mass.) and perform them for our families, we slept under the Christmas tree two nights before Christmas, and we saved up the change we made from selling tickets to our plays to buy treats: special cookies, pistachio nuts.

Sometimes we'd do make-believe type games, like pretending to be babies living in an orphanage in Boston, or pretending to be executives at an advertising agency and making up ad campaigns (including slogans and jingles) for various products and services. Once Scarlett started to tell me a story, all about a princess and a man in black; it wasn't until I saw the movie a few years later (on video) that I realized she was telling me the story of The Princess Bride. I have fond memories of us doing things together like teaching my little sister, at approximately two years old, the banana boat song (you know, Day-O! Day-O! Daylight come and I want to go home).

Scarlett is nearly four years older than I am, so I always looked up to her. She was the one who introduced me to Cyndi Lauper and Madonna, to the Eurythmics, to Prince's purple rain. I looked up to her, looked forward for weeks to her visits, and was disconsolate for days after she'd go home. As we both got older and she was in high school, she no longer came for long visits, but we still saw each other at family holiday gatherings. I missed her when she went away to the East Coast to go to college, and was thrilled when she moved to the Bay Area after graduation, living just across town and then a few blocks away from me while I was in school at Berkeley. We hung out pretty frequently until she moved to the city, and even then made time to spend together.

Scarlett has done some amazing things in her adulthood. She's still every bit as creative as she was when we were kids, and puts her creativity to good use in her writing and other projects. She and a group of her friends read a different book each month and get together to discuss it, also bringing food associated with the culture in which the book takes place (they call it Iron Rainbow, which is Iron Chef meets Reading Rainbow). She saved up for a couple of years, quit her job, and traveled in England, China, and Mongolia for six months. I am so happy to know her as an adult and as a friend, not just my older half step cousin*, subject of my early hero worship, but as someone who I genuinely like, respect, and enjoy spending time with. I am so glad she came to visit and hope she enjoys the Mile High City.

*Dan pointed out to her sometime around the wedding festivities that they were now half step cousins-in-law. Hee!

May Day

I have always loved May Day. Spring is my favorite time of year, and the tiny town in which I grew up had a community May Day festival on the Sunday closest to the first of May every year. It was held on private land, but everyone was welcome. There was always delicious food being sold, and a brass Dixie-style band with a bunch of old men playing instruments, people dancing, pony rides for little kids, and tons of games suitable for kids of all ages. There would always be ice cream or popsicles available if it happened to be a hot day, and sometime in the late afternoon, the volunteer fire department would bring their trucks and hoses and have a stand-off with the volunteer fire department with the next town over, using their hoses to try to force a giant ball on a wire over to the other side.

And oh, to be a third grader, because third grade meant you learned how to dance the May Pole dance. I looked forward to that honor for YEARS, imagining what I might wear, how my hair would be done, and what color ribbon I'd get to dance with. It was always my favorite part of May Day, even better than watching the firemen prove their masculinity, girls whirling pretty colored skirts amongst boys in their dressy finery, all dancing to the same music every year, and by the end of the dance the Maypole was dressed in its finery as well. Girls also got to wear wreaths of flowers made by a community member, with ribbons hanging down the back. I couldn't wait to wear one.

Third grade came eventually (actually, sooner for me than most because I skipped second) and we spent recesses in April learning how to do the May Pole dance. We started with the steps and order of the dance, learning how to dance around one another, and moved on to holding thin ropes stemming from the top of a regular pole. By the end of April we were practicing with actual ribbons, and we'd all memorized our parts. It became a very important thing that year to determine which color ribbon one would have - the most prized colors being pinks and purples for girls, and the boys desperately hoping they wouldn't end up with a girl color. In my heart of hearts I didn't care what color I got - I was just excited to get to participate - but of course I joined in with the rest of the girls, moaning about how the world would end if I got an ugly color.

May Day finally arrived that year. It was 1987 and I had recently turned eight years old. I wore a pretty blouse and skirt, and I got to pick out a flower wreath for my hair, and I cannot for the life of me remember what color ribbon I ended up with. I remember performing the dance, and seeing how beautiful the pole looked afterward, a rainbow of colors woven together. It turned out the buildup to the event was far more significant than the event itself; I had a good time, but I didn't even feel any sort of a letdown afterward, and after the pole was danced I probably got some food and went over to watch the Battle of the Shirtless Firemen.

As I've mentioned many times, Colorado's weather can be mighty unpredictable, especially in the spring. For the past week or so it's been relatively warm and nice, with a bit of snow last weekend while the sun was out (an oddity in itself). Yesterday was sunny and then overcast, but warm all day long. Today it is snowing. This morning, it was snowing large ploofs, cotton balls falling from the sky, as I lay on the (new! comfy!) couch and looked out the window. I'm not sick, but I had an accident at the gym yesterday that left me with a (probably pulled/strained, possibly torn) calf muscle that has put me out of commission. At the time, it felt like someone had punched me in the leg with a heavy hand weight. I felt a snap or pop sensation, and then searing pain. I got a charlie horse in the same leg in the same class last week and thought it a fluke, but I guess my leg hadn't fully recovered. This time it's making me stay down. Someone from the gym gave me a ride home after I hobbled around for a while in tears because it hurt so bad, because I was angry at my leg for betraying me, because I knew if I sat down it might make the leg worse. But eventually I knew it would be best if I went home and put it up and iced it. I couldn't walk, I scared the cats when I got home still in tears and ambulating like quasimodo. Three advil, some ice, and a few hours of rest later, it was still painful to the touch or when I moved it, but not constant agony.

This morning as I gingerly tested my leg's abilities, I determined that I'd rather stay off it for a whole day, giving it a chance to rest and recover, so I'm more likely to be able to walk on Saturday. There's an event I need to be able to walk around all day for, and if I'd gotten up and tried to walk to work/home/etc. today, the leg would have given me what for. So today I am lazy, relaxing on the couch, watching nerd movies and glancing at the wet snow hurtling itself down from the sky. Twenty-one years later, I am not dancing on this May Day. Maybe next year.

Stolen from Monkey, who has a birthday tomorrow

The Rules:

1. Link back to the person who tagged you. Thanks Monks.

2. Post these rules on your blog.

3. Share six unimportant things about yourself.

4. Tag six random people at the end of your entry

Unimportant thing the first:
I can only sneer with one side of my face.

Unimportant thing the second:

I have been known, on occasion, to put hair clips (the jaw kind) on the tails of my cats. Yes, I know this is not nice. I do it anyway, but the cats manage to remove them relatively quickly so it's not too much of an issue. I also laughed at Loki and called him Gimp Whiskers for a few weeks when he singed them on a candle in the bathroom.

Unimportant thing the third:
I am super excited for four more events happening this year, three of which involve my family (a graduation, a wedding, a major birthday) and one of which involves friends (giving birth to their very own baby). These things will happen in June, August, October, and December, respectively.

Unimportant thing the fourth:

I am also very excited that I am getting $900 back from state and federal taxes this year. I'm strongly considering buying a couch because our futon really sux.

Unimportant thing the fifth:

After many years of resisting, I finally joined Facebook and threw a chicken at my cousin.

Unimportant thing the sixth:

I'm wearing my wedding shoes at work today. That's why I bought the shoes I did, so I could wear them again (and I liked them, of course).

Not going to tag anyone; if you want to do the meme, consider yourself tagged.

(still working on part 3 of The Wedding)

My little toe and part of my spleen are Irish

Thanks for all the lovely birthday wishes, everybody. I ended up having a really good birthday. I went to breakfast, read some of a new book I bought (The Namesake), took my yoga class and felt really good afterward, ran some errands, and went out to dinner with Dan at a really nice restaurant to which we had a $50 gift certificate, so the meal was half the price (we ordered a bottle of wine).

The weekend felt sort of like an extended birthday celebration. I got to eat some things I almost never eat (like my favorite cheese, Irish Dubliner) and Dan made me a birthday cake last night (apple spice with penuche icing, SO YUMMY). We crossed almost everything left on our to-do-before-the-wedding list and just have a couple of things left. On more than one occasion, I found myself saying, "I should be working on something" but didn't know what that something might be. I wonder if that feeling will stick around for a while after all this wedding stuff is over.

Yesterday, as we walked back from the grocery store (tortilla chips for guac, apples, and split peas in hand) we had a little discussion about why it is that so many people with the ability to claim even a droplet of Irish or Italian blood say they are Irish (or Italian). I'm sure it has something to do with the historical issues in this country with being Irish or Italian (I mean, at one point, THEY were the ones people were prejudiced against). But if you're 5th generation Irish (or Italian), why aren't you just *American*? Why don't Americans feel like claiming that as their ancestry is good enough?

I know that my mother's maternal grandmother was 100% Irish (from Ireland, a Sheehan) and her grandfather was part Spanish and part something else. There's Irish on my dad's side, too, though I think not as easy to trace. If you add up all of the Irish in me from both sides it's probably about 20-25%. As far as I know, no Italian. Lots of German, some Swiss and some English and some Dutch. How I ended up looking as I do is somewhat of a mystery (the brown hair from the Spanish great-great grandmother, the olive skin that tans easily from the southern German on my dad's side), and I've had people ask me if I was Italian or Spanish or Israeli and one time someone thought I was Persian. But you know what? Even though I know a bit of the history of my blood and what countries the people who supplied my genetics, all those generations back, I don't consider myself anything but American. Even on St. Patrick's day. I am wearing green, but I'd likely do that anyway.

It could be something special just for me

Once upon a time, people had to be patient in order to get stuff. There was no such thing as overnight shipping, no internet, no ordering by phone. In the musical "The Music Man," there's a song about the Wells Fargo Wagon - the means by which people got stuff they ordered by mail through perhaps the Sears Roebuck or other catalogs, and you never knew when it might get there. When the wagon came, it might have your dishes or your raisins or your double boiler, or someone else's salmon from Seattle or a gray mackinaw. There was just no telling.

These days, we have the luxury of impatience. We have telephones and the internet, and we can buy sparkly things we see on TV, and if we act now we get a free gift. We have instant global communication and extremely fast transport of goods and services, all around the world, even to exceedingly remote places. Hell, you can get movies delivered to your house and you can watch them and send them back (for free) whenever you want. These days, it's unusual to have anything but bills and junk mail in a mailbox, as people tend to communicate through faster modes and nobody sits down to write a good, old-fashioned letter.

Recently, we had a bunch of non-junk, non-bill mail come through our box. Granted, they were postcards that we'd made, addressed, and stamped ourselves and all people had to do was send them off and write whether or not they intended to come to the wedding. Most people opted to RSVP online anyway. But for a few weeks there, the mailbox was truly exciting, something to look forward to every day rather than something to sift through and toss the contents in the recycling bin.

Yesterday was a red-letter day for our household. While Dan was home for an hour in the afternoon in between work and class, he received a package from FedEx, a package from UPS, and signed for a registered letter. UPS brought a wedding gift from a friend of ours who lives in town, and the registered letter had shocking contents I won't even go into. There was also an engagement ring in the mail, courtesty Dan's mom (I left it at Dan's parents house when we were up there this weekend). And best of all? Well, best of all was my new camera!

I've spent the last 20 minutes trying to upload the photo. It's not working. I'm getting rather hungry and am going out for breakfast *by myself* - have never done that before - so rather than wait another 20 minutes, let's all pretend there's a photo of me up there taking a photo in the mirror so you can see my new camera. Isn't she pretty? I'm so excited to finally have a camera again!

I also intend to go to my yoga class at noon and spend the rest of the day doing things I enjoy. Thanks for the advice, QIR.

Back in the swing of things

--I attended a vinyasa yoga class for the first time in three weeks today. It felt great, even though I'm not capable of doing some of the binding poses (my arms/shoulders just don't bend the right ways). I felt so good after the class, and I really hope that my neck/shoulder stay happy rather than pissed off.

--My new camera should be here in a couple of days, woohoo! I am so excited to be able to take photos again! I have desperately missed having a camera for the past few months and I purposely waited to box up some wedding-related stuff so I could snap it before it gets packed for our drive to California.

--My skin is looking better, though it's still not great. I haven't noticed any new bad spots in a couple of days, so I'm really hoping it clears all the way up and the antibiotics will have been worth the digestion-related side effects. I would be eating yogurt, but I'm not willing to pay a dollar apiece for LESS YOGURT. I am seriously annoyed that nobody is selling 8 ounces of yogurt in a container anymore. Anyone else notice that? Every yogurt company has switched to 6 ounce containers and they're the same price as the old 8 ounce ones. Seriously, yogurt companies, you suck. I know, I know, I should be buying yogurt in the large containers, but I don't have a good way to bring 8 ounces of it at a time to work for lunch.

--I LOVE the spring time change. It makes me happier than just about anything else this time of year, to have that extra hour of light in the evening and feeling that the days are getting longer and longer. Colorado is just starting to squeak into spring (the air has changed from super dry to somewhat less dry) and I can't wait to see some flowers and some green after all these months of dead, brown, and gray. I wish we stayed on Daylight Saving Time all year, because nothing depresses me more than the fall time change. If I ruled the world, that's how it would go.

--The headache I had last night did not turn into a migraine, thankfully.

--I think I'm going to call in well on Friday (my birthday). What should I do that day instead of sit in my dark basement cube?

A bout of randomness

1. BM dress #4 was finished last night. Hooray!

2. It is Oldest Friend's birthday today. She is 29, which makes me go EEP because that means I turn 29 one week from today. And I haven't even thought about what I might like to do for my birthday, because all I ever think about anymore is wedding crap.

3. Except last night, when we went over to our friend Julie's new place (she moved in with her boyfriend!) and had Game Night, meaning everyone except me played with a wii and some other game system and I visited with people and finally got to see the necklace Julie made me for the wedding with green pearls I bought in China back in November of 2005. It was nice to have an evening where I hardly thought about wedding at all.

4. I am really annoyed at my skin. Like, really really annoyed. I hope this doxycycline stuff works soon, because my skin looks the worst it's been in about 3 years right now. Good thing I have makeup I can cake on if I need to!

5. I wrote out 18 thankyou notes today for the work shower gifts. When it comes time to write our wedding thankyou notes, I am NOT writing them all myself.

6. Fridays are the best days. I hope it's nice this weekend.

7. Petra has taken to sitting in a small cardboard boxtop that has some weird poky cutout bits (one of the shower gifts was a glass creamer/sugar bowl that were stuck in this thing). I don't know why she likes it so much. You'd think the cardboard poky bits would be uncomfortable, but she can't be dissuaded.

A letter to my body

Dear body,

We've been a team for, oh, nearly 29 years now. We went through a lot together when we were young (ear infections, surgery, all kinds of unpleasant stuff), and you performed beautifully when I started learning ballet at age 3. You were flexible and did whatever I told you to do, even when it was painful. You stayed smaller than average until we hit about 9, and then you started to grow wider before you grew taller. I was a little concerned, but it all worked out in the end and eventually you grew boobs (though they weren't very big, and damn, did growing boobs have to hurt so much?) and hips and though I didn't realize it at the time, you were pretty impressive. You could do all manner of swimming, and difficult ballet positions, and you never let me down no matter what I made you do. Even when I jumped off the roof to impress a boy and sprained our ankle, you healed and forgave me my transgression.

We went through a summer together when I decided you were too big in the wrong places, so I stopped feeding you more than a few hundred calories a day, and made you swim for hours. You responded by giving me my first taste of low blood sugar, getting smaller, and you still forgave me for not feeding you and even gamely participated in all the activity I forced you into. Again, I didn't realize until years later how good you looked and only focused on the flaws I saw. Your genetic proclivity toward spinal injury first showed up at a swim meet when we were sixteen, and I'd never understood what kind of pain my mom was in when she said her "neck was out", nor why my uncle had become a chiropractor after seeing what his mother went through, until I spent three days unable to move after geting fished out of the pool after a flipturn that somehow went wrong. I took you to a doctor who eventually helped you get better and I even sacrificed what little coolness factor I had in order to wear my backpack on both shoulders, because it just wasn't worth the pain to wear it on one like everybody else. I think I learned that lesson earlier than many people do, because comfort became more important than style. This is also why I've never made you wear skinny-heeled shoes; while they may be high, they're always stable.

You spent years telling me to stop doing ballet but I didn't listen to you. In fact, I pushed you through years of pain because I loved dancing, and you loved dancing, and we just took some tylenol when the pain got bad. It wasn't until college, when my boyfriend told me I *HAD* to go to the doctor because he couldn't stand me waking up in the night in tears anymore. I quit ballet because the doctor told me I needed to choose between giving up dance and installing new hips in you before we turned thirty. That really opened my eyes, body, and I only danced once more after that, a swan song. I should have listened to you all those years, because then we could still maybe dance jazz or contemporary/modern, but we'll never be able to do even that because the cartiledge in our hips is gone. I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you told me for years that I was pushing you too far.

It took me a while to figure out what else I could do to keep you occupied. I figured out that running didn't make you hurt anymore, so we did that, and I also regressed a few times back to malnourishing you, because I didn't want to gain weight. More than one guy told me that I was the largest size of woman he would ever be interested in, and I really took that to heart and told you to shut up when you were hungry because you needed to stay at least that size, or preferably get smaller. Those were dark times, body, because honestly? You were totally gorgeous. I took you to Europe and you walked all over the place and the person I traveled with made me feed you because sometimes I forgot, or didn't want to spend the money to do so. But eventually I learned another important lesson, that I have to feed you regularly for you to stay happy, and when I do that we get along like peas and carrots.

We got to the point where we could run and feel good, and then I started going to a gym and taking Pilates classes that helped you get strong and lean and reminded me of some of the things I loved about ballet. I made you lift weights for the first time and you responded by toning up really quickly. I learned that our enormous calves weren't just a product of ballet but that all of you would bulk up (unlike most women) if I lifted a lot of weight, so I learned to be judicious about which parts of you lifted how much weight, because neither of us want to look like a linebacker. We found a guy who loved us no matter what we looked like; when we met him our boobs were tiny and we had almost no body fat, and now we weigh a lot more but we're also curvier and more feminine, and all of our bras are filled out nicely. He likes that, too. He likes it that you are strong and capable of lifting him even if it's only with your legs and only just a little bit. We're going to marry him in a month.

You've rarely let me down, body. We were hit by a car a while back, and got whiplash, and I've spent the last 18 months rehabilitating you back to where you were before, lifting weights and doing physical therapy exercises, strengthening you and toning you and calming you with yoga. I've fed you well and made sure we got enough sleep whenever I could. So why now, body? Why did you have to regress back to car-accident-level of pain and limited mobility? Don't you like being pain-free, body? There's no reason for this silliness, and no reason for you to be all recalcitrant and contrary. I didn't do anything to you that I can think of other than plan a wedding in another state, and it's about time you start responding to the things I'm doing to make you better. Because I've been taking good care of you, body, and I would like to be able to count on you to do what I need you to do to get through the next month. So let's just stop with the pain-for-no-reason and get better, OK? Because we need our beauty sleep and we need to let off steam at the gym and it's really difficult to do these things when we can't move.

Love,
Me

A virtue I do not posess (take 3)

Back when Dan and I were first together, he made me several mix CDs, the first in response to a mix tape I made him before we had even met in person. One on of the CDs he made me was an audio version of a comedy sketch called "Tae Kwon Leep." In the sketch, several students are learning a martial art from a guru-type, including one named Ed Gruberman who attends the class in order to learn how to "beat people up." I knew right away why he'd put the sketch on the mix CD, since by that point he'd already quoted from it on multiple occasions. "You must learn patience, Ed Gruberman," says the guru-type, and Ed responds, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, patience. How long will that take?"

This is entirely a relevant thing to quote for me, because in nobody's opinion could I ever be considered a patient person. I'm just not. It's most obvious when I'm in the car - Dan frequently makes jokes about other drivers and what countries they must be from (and about what green lights mean in said countries) because I have such a habit of telling people in front of us that GREEN MEANS GO. There are many other occasions in which I'm noticeably impatient, particularly when it comes to punctuality. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people are late. I hate it when other people are late; I hate it when I am late through no fault of my own (traffic, slowdowns in public transit, etc.). To me, being on time to an event is a matter of respect and when someone is late, I feel like they've disrespected me (especially if they don't call or something to let me know they'll be late). But it's not just about respect, it's also that I don't have patience for other people to do things. I hate to wait for other people.

My impatience also comes out when it involves illness. Specifically, in the instance the illness of people I am close to, especially the person with whom I share a bed. Instead of being sympathetic, my first inclination is to be impatient. I can't really explain it. Case in point: Dan was sick for the first week of our Italy trip, while I didn't get sick until about 5 days in. By day 4 I was really tired of listening to him cough and sniff and watching him blow his nose. I got annoyed with myself when I ended up with the same illness, because dammit, we were in Italy and there was Stuff I Wanted To Do that both of us being sick prevented us from doing. I feel terrible about this now, but I totally made Dan hike 3 of the 5 towns of Cinque Terre on one of the two nice days we had on the trip, even though he was still really sick. I had been waiting for years to share it with him, and he gamely wheezed and coughed his way through the hike. The whole time I was feeling like STOP BEING SICK SO YOU CAN ENJOY THIS BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME. NO MORE SICK! And he was probably feeling like WHY IS SHE MAKING ME DO THIS, I FEEL LIKE POO. And then after the hours of hiking he fell down the stairs. I'm a horrible fiance.

The other night (when I originally wrote this, I wrote last night, but now it was two nights ago) Dan was sick again. Except this time, it was the kind of sick you get when you eat something bad and your digestive system revolts and decides to cause great pain and also divest itself of its contents from both ends at the same time. He was totally miserable. I felt awful, because I couldn't do anything for him. He told me later that he was up six times in the night, but I only remember once so I must have slept through most of his ordeal. At one point, I was reading out loud to him in bed because I thought it might help take his mind off his misery, and he started to cough. Then he coughed some more. Instead of thinking to myself, oh, poor guy has to cough on top of feeling so awful, I thought to myself, STOP COUGHING WHEN I AM TRYING TO READ TO YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HEAR ME IF YOU ARE COUGHING. When I asked him why he didn't try to alleviate the cough by drinking some of the water on his bedside table, he told me that he didn't want to put anything else in his stomach. Duh, Emily. I felt so bad for him, and was really angry at myself for being annoyed that he was coughing rather than being sympathetic and trying to make him more comfortable.

As I lay in bed awake after he'd fallen asleep, I started to think about why it is that I have so little patience for illness, particularly the illness of the person I love most, the person I am lucky enough to be marrying in just over six weeks (SIX WEEKS AAAAHHHH!!). It came to me that when it comes to injury, I know how to help. I can clean and bandage a deep cut, pull out a splinter, massage away a charlie horse or a bad sinus headache. But a cough? Vomiting? A runny nose? There's absolutely nothing I can do, and I hate the way that makes me feel. I hate feeling helpless in a situation. I think it's the same for many of the instances of my impatience, because I am the most impatient in situations where I have the least amount of control. I really should be channeling that into constructive energy rather than wasting it on being annoyed with the person who is sick. Everyone has faults, and this is one of mine. I hearby resolve to work on it. Next time we're stopped behind a bunch of people at a green light, I'm going to think about something else. And next time Dan gets sick, I'm going to do my best to help him feel better rather than get annoyed with the situation, because it's not his fault either.

Civic duty

"We have to go vote," says my mother. We walk into the fire station and go behind a curtain. I can't see what my mother is doing, but I know that it's very important. I am very young, so it's probably an off-year election.

Two presidential elections happen in which I am vaguely aware of the displeasure of my parents at the outcome.

It's 1992, and I am excited to see what might happen in the country. The war in Iraq has ended and my parents are fired up about the election. People in town display signs promoting various candidates on their lawns, including a small but vocal faction in favor of the independant blowhard candidate with large ears. My dad votes for the large-eared candidate just to make my mom angry. In my head, I call the candidate "Pee rot." The charismatic Democratic governor beats the incumbent and my dad's record of never voting for a winning candidate is upheld.

I am a senior in high school, and thoroughly disgusted that I don't turn 18 until four months after the presidential election. We study civics (called American Problems by my high school) and I have strong personal opinions about various candidates. Then I start college, and campus is brimming with political activity. The charismatic incumbent handily beats the old raisin from Kansas.

The first election in which I can actually vote is an off-year election. It is 1998 and the governorship for California is up for election. I am thoroughly excited to help vote out the incumbent party's incompetant jerk and cast a winning vote for Gray Davis, who at the time was quite well-liked. He is recalled as governor in 2003 and California's second actor/celebrity governor is voted in. My sisters are disgusted.

It is the fall of 2000. I am thoroughly excited to see the outcome of the election, and have great hope that the current vice president will win (though I am personally more interested in ideology and cast my vote for a third-party candidate). I know that my vote won't effect the outcome of the election, as California's electoral votes go to the democratic candidate in a landslide. People in other states misguidedly vote the same way and their votes, in some small part, cost him the election. There are hanging chads and disenfranchisement and discussions of voting machine tampering and fraud. The entire system appears to have broken and the United States becomes a laughingstock. The Supreme Court decides to hand the election to the chimp.

Four years later, I am thoroughly disgusted with the country. Iraq War Two, Patriot Act, a "conservative" president spending and spending resulting in huge debt. The entire election season is filthy and horrible. The democrats fail to come up with a viable candidate, though the election is another squeaker and there are more questions about voting fraud and voting machine tampering, as the company that makes the voting machines in many places is hand-in-hand with the incumbent president. Most people I know hold their nose and vote "not-Chimp" rather than voting for someone they think will be a good president.

I stand in line for four hours after spending all day in the mountains (and before driving to Stepford Springs) in order to vote in a new governor and new senator. I am not pleased with the election problems, but am thoroughly pleased with the results of the election, though I'm kind of bummed for the people in the northern part of the state who continue to be represented by a crazed harridan who cares more about unborn people than people who already exist.

Now this election, today, I am feeling some hope again, a sensation not unlike that of 1992. The incumbent can't run again, and the frontrunners in both parties seem like good candidates for each party, respectively (though I find myself surprised by the results of the campaigns. How did Giuliani have to drop out so early?) For the first time in my life, the two most viable candidates within the Democratic party both represent minorities and would be making history if either were to be elected president. Today is Super Tuesday, and people voting around the country will help decide who continues with their candidacies, and ultimately who we'll be voting for in November. This state is weird in that there is both a caucus and a primary; today is the Caucus and because I am not a registered Democrat (forgot to change my affiliation beforehand) I can't participate. I know who I will vote for in the primary, even if the contest is already decided by then, because I am excited about one candidate and would be not disappointed if the other gets the nomination. Today I feel a little more hope than I have in a long time about the future of our country.

An open letter to me, circa early 1996

Dear 17-year-old MLE,

Hi! It's me, and it's now 2007. Honey, there is so much I could tell you about what cool things you're going to do and where you'll go and who you'll meet, but you'll just have to wait and see.

First of all, it gets So Much Better in college. Yes, really. You are really going to enjoy living in Berkeley. You'll get to eat all kinds of things you've never tried, and you'll even learn to like vegetables. And you'll never have to eat a hamburger again. You are also going to let things like alcohol pass your lips. I know, it's shocking, but true.

That guy you have a crush on, the one you haven't really even admitted to yourself? Yes, you're going to date him in college, and though you'll spend the first six months of the relationship completely insecure and convinced that his other high school friends are going to tell him to dump you, eventually you will become friends with them too and you'll all look back on it and laugh. It won't be the best relationship you'll ever have, but it's important because it will help you learn how to be with someone, long-term.

You may not realize it, but all those clothes that your mom saved from college are going to be in fashion in a few years, long after you wore them in high school. You'll look like a trendsetter, eventually.

Mom is right about a lot more things than you're willing to give her credit for. Including your eyebrows. You will feel so much better about yourself once you stop wearing so much makeup and start maintaining those caterpillars on your face. It's something you'll have to do every day, but you will feel so much prettier. Flirt! Flirt with all those guys in college. It's OK to flirt even when you're in a relationship. And definitely OK once you aren't anymore.

Yes, the acne goes away. Eventually. No, I won't tell you how long, but it takes longer than you'd like.

You are amazingly strong in so many ways, far more than you realize. You will have to quit ballet next year. You finally get your hips checked out at the University health clinic and they'll tell you to quit because the cartiledge is nearly gone. It will suck, but you will find other ways to enjoy being alive. They'll stop hurting once you stop dancing. And let's face it, while you're underweight right now (Yes, you are! No, you aren't fat!) you are never going to have a professional ballerina body. Girl, you have hips and muscles and curves and you like food way more than the taste of toilet paper. Plus, once you quit dancing you'll go up a cup size because you'll finally be at a normal bodyfat level.

College is going to be awesome. There will be drama, and there will be challenges, and there will be a C. Yes, a C. And you will feel lucky to get that C, and it will hold down your GPA, but it will teach you a lesson about not taking classes with 2400 people in them and expecting to do well. You will find interesting jobs and be able to live pretty frugally in college, in situations that are (for the most part) good environments. Don't be afraid to spend money on yourself once in a while. Enjoy yourself!

The internet is going to become much more important to you than you can imagine. You are going to meet so many people that live all over the place, and you are going to go on a Grand Adventure after college, and a particular website that helps you plan your Grand Adventure will lead you to friendships (and more-ships) with people you never would otherwise have met. It becomes far more than chatrooms with avatars, I promise. In fact, in 2007 most people in office jobs won't be able to do their jobs without it. Speaking of jobs, your first job out of college is going to suck, and your second one is going to be work that you really enjoy coupled with a horrible asshole boss and horrible working environment. But you'll figure it out. You'll also end up moving to another state to live with a boy! Yes, you'll miss California, but luckily the internet will help you figure out how to buy cheap plane tickets.

You will find people who love you for who you truly are. You won't have to pretend. You are going to end up meeting someone on the internet and someday you will marry him. No, I won't tell you his name, but he does have a goatee (yes, you'll still like those in 2007) and he'll love you (and you'll love him) more than you can possibly imagine. You'll have tons of adventures before you meet him, and you'll share adventures with him. It'll be awesome.

Love,

2007 MLE

(thanks to clink)

100 more things about me, part the second

51. I really hate having my hair in my face. That, along with my 3.5 head, is why I haven't had bangs since age 6.
52. Another way to squick me out is to force me to stick my hands in dirty cold slimy dishwater. UGH!
53. I have only for a brief period of time ever lived in a place with a functional dishwasher (I'm not including the co-op here, which had an industrial dishwashing machine thingy).
54. Dark chocolate and red wine are two of my favorite things to consume together.
55. I've always liked the name Sam for a boy, but Dan doesn't like that name. Sniff.
56. My sleep is generally restless if I wear socks to bed. Which is unfortunate, because my feet are nearly always cold.
57. Sometimes it is difficult for me to determine my opinion on a controversial or political issue because I have a hard time not seeing both sides.
58. A very small part of me would like to get a tattoo, but I've never been able to think of anything that I would be OK having on my body permanently.
59. I think it would be really cool to get mehendi (henna tattoos) for the wedding but I wouldn't want anyone to feel like I was inappropriately co-opting someone else's cultural tradition.
60. After a bad bout of stomach flu in high school, the first solid food I felt like eating after two weeks of being sick and drinking soup was a grilled cheese sandwich with pepperoni in it.
61. I didn't like fish or most vegetables until college, when I had them prepared in different ways than my mom prepared them. Now, there are very few types of either that I dislike.
62. During the one taekwondo class I took in college, I advanced to yellow belt with green stripe.
63. Someday, I would love to pick and eat a ripe green fig again. I haven't tasted one of those since I was 10 years old.
64. Once, in seventh grade, I fleetingly wished to be 5'10 and thin with gorgeous skin so I could be a model. I got over that pretty quickly.
65. Also in seventh grade, I had a pretty high bowling average.
66. There used to be four moles on my neck, but one disappeared so now there are only three.
67. My toes are somewhat prehensile.
68. In middle school I won the geography bee, beating out a mean-ol' 8th grader. My prize was a globe. They gave me a test to see if I was good enough to compete on a more area-wide level, but I was not.
69. The next year, I lost the geography bee to a 6th grader. I am still somewhat ashamed.
70. Sometimes I wish I weren't so practical. You know those people who buy things on a whim, spur of the moment, hang the budget? Yeah, not me.
71. "Fart" was considered a bad word in my family (meaning, we weren't allowed to say it), and it's probably the only "bad" word I use on a daily basis.
72. I used to eat wild oats off the stalk. It's a lot of work for not very much food, but when they are ripe they're really tasty.
73. I also used to eat raw oatmeal with milk, sugar and cinnamon. Kind of like one might eat a bowl of cereal, only it was rolled oats.
74. Mostly now I just eat steel-cut oats.
75. Another fond childhood food: eating apricots fresh and ripe and sunny off the tree. MMMM.
76. One year I wore these friendship anklets someone made me at camp until they rotted off. Shaving around them was kind of difficult.
77. If I had to classify my religious beliefs/tenets/etc. I would probably put myself somewhere between agnostic and secular humanist.
78. Sometimes I miss going to church, just a little bit, for the community aspects. Not the God stuff.
79. I don't miss it enough to actually go.
80. The least sexy song (to me) is the Sesame Street theme song.
81. I used to meditate in high school, but I haven't done it in a really long time.
82. Overall, I consider myself to be a pretty well-adjusted person (aside from a few specific issues)
83. If given the choice, I prefer even numbers to odd. If odd, they have to be easily divisible by 3 or 5.
84. I cannot imagine thinking in pictures. I am words all the way.
85. If presented with written material or music with lyrics I will read the writing or listen to the lyrics. I am that drawn to language. I can't even study listening to music that has words I understand.
86. I dropped my little sister on her head when she was a baby. Yes, it was an accident. No, she doesn't have any lingering issues. I don't think.
87. Memorizing my times tables was probably the most difficult hurdle I had to overcome during my school career (not counting that awful chemistry class in college).
88. Someday, I would like to live in another country, even if just for a little while.
89. I skipped second grade, and while I don't regret it now, sometimes I think it would have been a lot less stressful for everyone if I hadn't. It took until I was about 16 or so to get past the social and emotional drama that created.
90. They say that having a lot of money can create more problems than it's worth, but I say let me have the opportunity first and I'll give you my opinion on that subject.
91. However, I'm really not interested in trying to become rich. If it happens, sweet. If not, oh well.
92. I really really wish I were more photogenic.
93. I also wish I had straight, white teeth.
94. My sister is both photogenic and has naturally straight, white teeth, but I don't wish I were my sister.
95. My best dreams are the ones where I am flying.
96. Once I spent an entire March 17 looking for a four-leaf clover in our backyard. I didn't find one.
97. I acquired a pen pal in high school by answering an ad in a Piers Anthony newsletter. We wrote letters for years but didn't meet until 2004, ten years after we started writing to one another. He and his girlfriend are coming to the wedding!
98. Of saunas and steam rooms, I am not really a fan.
99. My favorite class in college was about the brain and drugs.
100. Though I like the smell, lavendar makes me sneezy and wheezy and itchy.